My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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