is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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