I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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