do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
