I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
