im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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