Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
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Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
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i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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