Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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