I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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