When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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