I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
