I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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