The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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