Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
