I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
