i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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