just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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