Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
