I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
