You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
