I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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