Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
