im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
