I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
