Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
