I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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