You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
