so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
