His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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