the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
