dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
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Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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