I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
