I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
