Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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