Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
