Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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