There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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