It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
