Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
