just come out here and I will go home with you...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
