he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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