Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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