You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
