Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
