My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
