you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
