I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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