9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
