; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
