We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.