I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me