First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
