Betty ford says i'm here all night
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands