So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
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He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.