Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
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My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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