nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
how does that bad decision feel?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
