that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
