I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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