youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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