Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
