I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
